The scene: Ethan’s room. Ethan and Jack have just finished a game of chess on Jack’s phone. It is past bedtime. Jack gets up to leave.
Ethan: I’m really scared about the dark. I’m scared about monsters.
Jack: Well, there is a light on in the bathroom. You can see everything in here so it’s not dark.
Ethan: No, when I close my eyes I can see monsters and I don’t want them to come in.
Jack: Ethan, our house is all locked up. You are safe in this house. There is no way for a monster to get in the house.
Ethan: Yes it could. It could come down the chimney.
Jack: A-ha! There’s a flue in the chimney that’s closed so monsters could not come down the chimney.
Ethan: What is a flue?
Jack: A flue is a big piece of steel that closes off the chimney.
Ethan: What is steel?
Jack: Steel is a very hard metal that they make cars out of. Plus, our chimney is about this small (gestures with hands) so a monster could not fit in there anyway. And even if there were a small enough monster, he wouldn’t be able to get past the steel flue.
Ethan: Not if he has a laser to cut it with.
Jack: Well if he has a laser cutter, he would need a whole bunch of batteries to power it, and then he certainly wouldn’t be able to fit through the chimney with all those batteries.
Ethan: He would just go home and get new ones and put them on his belt.
Jack: Ethan, you know lasers are just light, right.
Ethan: Yes.
Jack: And to have a strong enough laser to cut through steel, you would need as many batteries as would fit in your bathroom. You need that many to power a laser cutter. They DO make laser cutters, but they require plugging into a wall.
Ethan: What if he snuck into the house and plugged the laser cutter in?
Jack: How is he gonna sneak in the house? The house is locked up and he can’t get past the flue.
Ethan: Oh.
Jack: Good night, Ethan.
Ethan: Good night, Daddy.
A friend once decided to solve the monster problem once and for all. She found a beautiful little blue glass spray bottle and filled it with lavender water and adorned it with ribbons and a label reading, “Monster Repellant”. She presented it to her son at bedtime with a lovely tale of its effectiveness. She said, “This will keep the monsters away.” He paused, looked her dead in the eye and said, “So they’re real then.”
OMG!
You know what would be really cool?
If Jack came over and talked all logically to me about my zombie fears.
Until then, the machete stays by my bed.